Monday, December 21, 2009

Finding My Identity

I think one of the hardest things about life is figuring out exactly who I am.  I've learned the hard way that my identity has to be independent of anyone else.   I spent many years believing my identity was found through being a pastor's wife and homeschooling, stay-at-home mommy.  However, with just a signature on a legal document, I lost my entire identy. 

Over four years later, I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am.  I know I am a child of God in the spiritual sense, but who am I on this earth?  Is my identity a medical transcriptionist?  No, because in the blink of an eye, I could lose my job.  Is my identity a mommy?  No, because my children will grow upand leave home.  Is my identity Kurt's girlfriend?  No, because again, that could change.

Who am I anyway?  Where to I find freedom?  I love to quilt, but in reality, I'm not very good at it.  Do I like to bake?  Oh yes, cookies are my speciality, but that's not it either.

When I think back over the past few years, I have found the most freedom behind the lens of my camera.  I can be in the midst of a crowd, but not hear or see anything except what I have set my sights on to photograph.  I am able to express my creativity and permanently capture the world through my own eyes.   

When I am forced into an uncomfortable or undesirable situation,  I am comforted if I can bring my camera and take pictures.  Just last week, I felt so alone and awkward as I entered Timothy's elementary school for his Christmas program.  I saw all the happy "normal parents" (mommy and daddy together) and felt conspicuously alone.  However, once I pulled out my camera and began to photograph the program, the insecurities and awkwardness faded away.  

So, is my identity a photographer?  I don't know.... maybe so....

No comments:

Post a Comment